Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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