I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
