i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
