haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
