Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
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do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Oh god it's open bar.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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