The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
