My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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