they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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