There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
