i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
