i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
