Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
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