Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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