Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
