She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You've changed since you got that strap on
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
