Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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