in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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