I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
