every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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