i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
