just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
