Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
