So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
