Non-Jews are for practice
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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