i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
