The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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