I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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