fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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