why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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