Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
this beer tastes like vomit already
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
