Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
