I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Actions speak louder than pants.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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