And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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