she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
