we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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