I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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