She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
