two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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