i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
