My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
this will be a night to untag.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
