Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
