I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
