you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
