If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
