I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
