So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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