Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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