I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
