So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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