If i come over, it means nothing
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
