The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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