what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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