Jerry, you need to find god
you guys were way drunker than both of me
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize