She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
