drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
