Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
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I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
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How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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