Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
