I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
