I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
