Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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