i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
